Dealing with Criticism
While my husband and I were sharing with some friends about the experience of writing curriculum, they brought up a good question: “how do you deal with criticism without getting defensive?” It was a good question because this is something I wanted God to teach me about (and knew that he would teach me) when we started writing. with Brian and I, the majority of our criticism has come (rather ironically) from parents who are not actually involved in the study at all. While it is sometimes hard not to get defensive (or at least feel that way), it becomes easier with a few practical things in mind (and these would probably apply to most ministry situations): 1) There is probably at least a grain of truth in the criticism … so look for it. This means that you are free to say “thank you” when someone criticizes you, even if you aren’t convinced their criticism is all valid. (“Thanks for pointing out that this word might be a difficult one for some students. You may be right about that. I’ll think about that.”) 2) Look for trends before assuming the criticism is worth addressing. One offhand comment is not a trend. Several different people from different walks of life saying the same thing is a trend. 3) Find out more information about the situation that prompted the criticism. Background usually helps in determining how serious (or not) it is. (“Your son’s first language isn’t English? Wow, this must be a really challenging study for him.”) 4) Ask why. It is fair to ask for good reasons as to why a person does or doesn’t like something. (“So you don’t think that the kids will be able to use the cross-references? What specifically do you think your daughter might find difficult about that?) 5) Ask the person to come up with a constructive solution. (“So, if you were to word that question differently, how would you do it”?) 6) If you’re getting the impression that the person’s criticism may be coming from ignorance, I think it is fair to ask them to give you another chance. This is what I do the most with parents who have doubts: “You know, we really enjoy having parents sit in on our class. Would you like to join us sometime and observe your son’s small group?” This has led to a few parents “conversions” and it’s an approachable way to invite someone to educate themselves before criticizing further. 7) Don’t appeal to how much effort you have put in to serving. I don’t guilt people by turning it around so that they now feel bad for criticizing me after we’ve worked so hard, etc. This doesn’t help the situation and it doesn’t help you to move forward or grow, either. Better to smile and say thank you instead. 8) Ask God for grace. Some people are kind in their criticism and some are rude and lack grace. Ask God to help you extend grace to others when they do not extend it to you — because God has extended much more grace to you than you could ever give someone else.9) I have found it helpful to find 1-2 friends (usually also in ministry) who understand and can encourage you in a godly direction. I have had these friendships in the past and watch them turn into complaint sessions, so beware of that! But, usually it is helpful to find a friend who can both emphasize and point you toward God (without encouraging complaining). 10) Ultimately, however, dealing with criticism is not located in the realm of the practical but in the realm of the spiritual. Knowing that it is God’s opinion that ultimately matters, and that God sees the heart and judges justly, is really the best comfort when dealing with criticism. “Fear of man is a snare” but those who trust in God will not ultimately be shaken. So while it is good to be humble and sober when hearing criticism, it is not worth worrying over what others think or say. God knows the heart, and he judges justly. Note: Sorry, I have tried several times to format this and can’t get the spacing to work!
